


Knee Socks

by Akaashispockies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anime, Bokuaka - Freeform, Fluff, Haikyuu - Freeform, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Side Ships, Slow Burn, Stereotypes, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29470968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaashispockies/pseuds/Akaashispockies
Summary: Keiji Akaashi never chose to be the way he was, he never chose to live like this, to like the things he does, to like the people he likes. But one thing Keiji did choose, was to live
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Kudos: 10





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [readers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/readers/gifts).



> I just want to make sure there’s no misunderstandings, I know how I portrayed the Haikyuu characters in my story, they are not like this in the anime/manga. I do not headcanon them in an over-feminizing way at all, I just wrote Akaashi’s character as a feminine guy because it’s just his character in THIS story. And I know he isn’t like that in the anime or manga. Anyways please don’t attack me, I didn’t make my characters canon to the show, they literally all play different sports (besides oikawa) in this story. Also this story contains a lot of homophobia and homophobic slurs so please be aware.

Summer ended and hell has started.

_I hate high school, I hate this school_ , Akaashi thought to himself in annoyance as he rolled over in his bed, shoving his face into the cold side of his pillow.

Fortunately, it’s finally Senior year. _One more year of misery and then I’ll be free_ , he thought to himself. 

Keiji Akaashi, 18 years old, 182.3 cm tall (5 ft & 11.7 inches), not that any of those facts matter.Keiji is attending Fukurodani High School, he is just your average high school boy. Except for, he is different in some ways. Keiji is captain of the cheerleading squad and also plays soccer. Now, there’s many people out there who don’t see the problem with men doing cheer, right? 

Well that isn’t the case at Fukurodani.

Keiji is a victim of being bullied at his school. It’s just endless days of being called a fairy, a f*g, gay, and a queer. Keiji wouldn’t have taken those slurs offensively, if only he wasn’t gay.

Keiji has been in the closet for as long as he could remember. Nobody knows that he’s actually gay, even though he gets bullied for being more feminine than other boys. Keiji still doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to others, what’s wrong with being feminine? Why is cheer even considered a “girly” sport in the first place? _Guys here just have a fragile masculinity_ , he thought. What pisses him off the most is that guys can’t wear anything feminine or act feminine, or look feminine, without being called “girly” or “gay”. Even though Keiji is gay, he believes that straight men should be able to ambrace femininity without being stereotyped.

It’s a cruel and judgemental world we live in. Nobody is guaranteed acceptance. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you wear, what you look like, your height, weight, style, or what your personality is, you will be hated by someone for just simply existing. But some have it worse than others do, and some don’t, but no one is free from hatred.

_I hope that one day, everyone will be free._

✵✵✵

It was 7:30, an hour away until school was starting. Keiji decided that he should start getting ready. He groaned and then rolled out of bed to go take a shower. He finished and then dried himself off. Keiji is a sucker for peaches and cream scented lotions. He puts it on daily, and he even bought himself a peaches and cream scented cologne and also has a peaches and cream scented candle for his room. Those are one of the very few things that brought a smile to Keiji’s face. That and he was obsessed with wearing knee socks. His favorite were his Luna ones, why? Because Sailor Moon is and always will be a classic. 

Keiji has 20+ different pairs of knee socks to choose from, and since today was his first day of senior, he wondered if he should wear fancy ones to start the year off, or just his casual ones. After staring at all of his knee socks for five minutes, he decided that he was in the mood for his plain black ones that had little bow-ties on the front that were just above his knee caps. He then got dressed into his black button up school shirt and his shorts. He then chose to wear his black ankle cut boots because fashion statement, right? All that was left for him to do was to put on lip gloss, he always liked how it made his lips shine.

By the time he was finished getting ready it was 8:00, so he grabbed a muffin for his breakfast, his bag and his cheer shoes, and was set off. Keiji usually walks to school to get his blood pumping and energy. Today was really cold outside so he debated on taking the bus or just walking like usual.

“Hey, Akaashi.” a deep voice called out to him. Keiji turned his head to see who the voice belonged to.

“Hi, Iwaizumi-san,” Keiji replied with a small grin. Hajime Iwaizumi walked over to stand side by side with him.

Hajime is the pitcher of the baseball team at their school. Him and Keiji have been friends since they were juniors. They have known each other since Junior year, but didn’t start getting close until recently. Keiji is happy to have a friend like Hajime who says “fuck gender stereotypes”. No, I’m serious, Hajime has said this before when he used Keiji’s eyeliner (it was his first time ever wearing makeup).

“Are you taking the bus?” Hajime suddenly asked, it was now 8:10.

“I’m not sure, what do you think the fastest option would be?” Keiji asked. Hajime then spoke up, “I mean, if we ran we could probably get there in less than 10 minutes..”

They both looked at each other, nodded, then sprinted to school.

They made it to school 10 minutes before it started and high fived each other in fulfillment. Their lockers were in different halls, but they both had their first period together. The two both decided to meet up at Hajime’s locker since his was closest to their first class. Keiji hoped they would be able to sit next to each other, he did not want to be seated by any of the cocky football players.

It was just his luck that he ended up being seated by one.

Thankfully, Hajime was sitting next to him, but behind him sat the most annoying and obnoxious person he’s ever come in contact with. _He is so damn loud_ , Keiji said to himself.

“Oh my god but when I scored that touchdown?!” The guy said loudly to his other teammate Keiji was guessing, “Yeah, it was pretty incredible!” the other praised.

“Ehh it was a fluke!” The guy shouted and laughed. He continued talking about football with his teammate, but he wouldn’t settle down. If anything, his voice just kept on getting louder by the minute.

Keiji couldn’t take it anymore, the teacher was still not here and he was getting a really bad headache from hearing this lunatic yelling.

“Excuse me? Yeah, you. Can you please be more quiet?” he said trying to keep his cool so he doesn’t come off as a jerk. This caught Hajime’s attention, surprised Keiji said something before he did.   
  


The football player turned to face Keiji and his jaw dropped a little. He was awestruck, he couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything, nor look away, but he didn’t want to look away. He glanced up at his messy but wavy, black shiny hair, then to his slightly thick eyebrows and his right silvereyebrow piercing. His eyes the boy thought to himself as he looked into Keiji’s gunmetal blue eyes. “Pretty..” he said in a whisper. Keiji saw his lips move but didn’t hear what he said, “Huh? I’m sorry could you repeat that?” This caught the other boy off guard, not realizing he said it outloud.

“Uh.. yeah sorry for being loud, but that’s just how I talk,” he said scrambling for words, he felt a little embarrassed.

Keiji looked at him with a questioning look, but didn’t ask anything, “Okay.. well try to keep it down a bit please,” he said as he turned back around to face forward. This left no time for the jock to even reply, but instead he got out a pen and piece of paper.

Suddenly their homeroom teacher arrived, “Good morning everyone, I’m Mr. Takeda and I’m your homeroom teacher for the rest of the year. Let’s start this year on a good note!” 

Class had started, Mr. Takeda went over rules, and the purpose of the class. While Mr. Takeda was talking, Keiji noticed a folded piece of paper get thrown on his desk. He looked back to the direction the piece of paper was thrown from, to see the same football player he told to keep quiet smiling, holding a thumbs up to him. Keiji rolled his eyes and turned back around to read the note.

“Hey hey hey you never told me your name”, Keiji finished reading the note. He laughed quietly to himself, _he went out of his way to ask me my name_. Then he got out his pen to write something back. Once he finished writing on the note, he folded it and tossed it back behind him. 

“Keiji Akaashi, yours?”, is what he wrote. Keiji glanced back to see the guy smiling at his note. He didn’t even notice how buff the guy was before.. _He’s so muscular._ As he was admiring his buff arms he didn’t realize that he was holding the note out to him. He reached forward to receive the note but dropped it. _I’m literally an idiot_ , Keiji scolded himself.

As he went to receive the note the jock did the same, causing their hands to touch. Keiji flinched and moved his hand back, “Sorry..” he said, hoping he’d give the note back to him.

Right as he was about to give him the note, the bell rang. “Class is dismissed, have a great rest of your first day!’ Mr. Takeda said, releasing the students from class. Keiji was about to leave but felt a hand tug on the sleeve of his school shirt.

“Kotaro Bokuto,” the jock said, smiling as he let go of his sleeve. Keiji looked back at him and grinned. “Nice to meet you, Bokuto-san,” he replied with a light smile, and with that he left the classroom, heading off to second period. 

“Bokuto-san.. Ha,” Kotaro said to himself as he set off to his next class. _How does he know I’m older_?

✵✵✵

  
Keiji ended up not having many classes with Hajime, they only had first period, and sixth together. He was happy that he even had any classes with him though. Keiji ended up having three classes with Bokuto. Homeroom, Art, and Physical Education. All the classes he had this term in order, were Homeroom, Mathematics, Social Studies, Art, Japanese, and Physical Education.

Right now, Keiji is heading to his last period. Keiji liked P.E. but he was mostly looking forward to cheer after school. Cheer brings Keiji happiness, he loves the sport and actually tries his best in it. He’s proud of himself for getting to become the captain of the team.

They didn’t do too much in P.E. today, just reviewing things like every other class. Bokuto sat behind Keiji again, since Hajime sat beside him, and two others on the opposite side.

“Hey, I’m Koshi Sugawara, and this is Toru Oikawa, what about you?” the strangers suddenly asked. One of them had silver hair with honey brown eyes and a mole below his left eye, and the other had chocolate brown eyes and fluffy chocolate brown hair. _They were both very handsome_ , or at least that’s what Keiji and Hajime both thought.

“Hi, I’m Keiji Akaashi, pleased to meet your acquaintance. And he’s Hajime Iwaizumi,” Keiji replied with a soft smile and Hajime waved to Koshi and Toru, staring at Toru for quite some time. “Oh please, no need to be so formal Akaashi we aren’t your teachers,” Toru said with a laugh.

“Right.. sorry. Anyways, what do you guys do? Do you guys play sports or have any club activities after school?”

“I’m captain of the volleyball team, and Koshi plays too. He’s the vice captain,” Toru responded proudly. “Yeah.. well recently I’ve been thinking about joining the cheer team too but I don’t think any other guys do cheer here.. and I don’t want to be the only guy,” Koshi spoke, with a tint of embarrassment in his voice.

“Wait really? You should definitely join Sugawara. I’m captain of the cheer squad actually. No other guys here do cheer, but I’m on the team so you wouldn’t be the only guy,” he was getting a little too excited. Keiji has always wanted another guy on the squad.

“Ha, hear that? That queer wants to do cheer with the other fairy. How lame,” a voice suddenly spoke coming from behind.

Keiji looked back to see two other jocks sitting with Bokuto, one of them owned the voice. It wasn’t Bokuto’s though.

“Leo, stop. Just don’t say anything,” the other jock said quietly. Whoever this Leo was just laughed and went on, “Seriously? You’re gonna defend them, he’s literally playing a girl sport.. That’s not even an actual sport.”

_**(A/N: I made an original character because it would break my heart portraying a Haikyuu character as homophobic)** _

This pissed Keiji off. He’s used to the slurs and homophobic and stereotypical jokes, still hates them, but what crossed the line for him was this Leo guy that said cheer wasn’t an actual sport. Keiji turned around, ready to give him a piece of his mind. ”Excuse me? I’ve heard enough out of you. First off no one asked you or for your opinion, second you weren’t even involved in our conversation. And third, keep your comments to yourself cause literally no one wants to hear them.”

Everyone was now staring at Keiji, jaws dropped slightly out of pure shock, they were not expecting him to go off like that. Keiji noticed this and got a little uncomfortable, he forgot that everyone around him was still there, including Bokuto who was just staring at him the entire time not saying a word.

Suddenly there was movement, Leo got up walking closer to Keiji making eye contact with him the whole time, refusing to look away. Then he started laughing, “Wow, that took me by surprise, it really did,” he paused, his gaze suddenly getting serious. “Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?” Leo said, while he grabbed and yanked Keiji’s shirt collar. Everyone gasped.

“Hey bud, I think you should let go,” Hajime suddenly spoke, his facial expression looking aggressive. Leo looked at him, but ignored his comment and went on. “I mean look at you Akaashi. What man wears knee socks? Knee socks Akaashi. How embarrassing is that! It’s like you’re _asking_ to be beat u-” Keiji punched Leo in the face before he could finish that sentence. Everyone gasped again, the jocks pulling Leo away before he could swing back, and Koshi, Toru, and Hajime pulling Keiji away before they get caught by their teacher.

Bokuto was stunned the whole time, he didn’t say a word.. Infact he didn’t know what to say. Leo was one of his best pals and his teammate, and Keiji was new but seemed so genuine and he wanted to get to know him better.

He just remained stuck in the middle.

“I’m sorry about him, that was uncalled for. I’m Tetsuro Kuroo, hope we can forget this encounter ever happened and move on with our lives,” he said almost dramatically.

“It’s all good man, you’re not the one who should be apologizing though,” Hajime replied, still angry about all that just happened.

Toru and Koshi were still holding onto Keiji, afraid he might try to throw hands again. Not that they didn’t want him to, they’d love to see a beat down right now, but didn’t want to risk him getting expelled the first day of senior year.

Keiji’s world was spinning. He was breathing heavily trying to stay calm, but failing. He’s _never_ punched someone before let alone even _hit_ someone before.. Keiji has never felt so furious in his life.

“Hey, you need to breathe Akaashi. It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay,” Koshi tried his best to reassure him. It helped a little, Koshi wasn’t half bad at making others feel calm, his presence was already soothing.

Meanwhile, Leo was pissed, actually, he was beyond pissed. He was so ready to beat the living shit out of Keiji. _How dare that f*g lay a finger on me_ , Leo thought to himself. He gritted his teeth while clenching his fists, Kuroo still holding him back.

Leo wiped the blood dripping from his lip, “You’ll pay for that Keiji Akaashi. Watch your back because I’m not letting that one slide. You crossed my line. I already didn’t like your girly fucking ass but now I completely _despise_ you. You’re lucky that I’m even giving you a warning.” 

His words came out as a blur to Keiji. He was too busy in his own head, still trying to process everything that just now happened.

Leo pushed Kuroo’s arms off him, got up and left. Class was ending in five minutes anyway.

“Alright well Bokuto and I gotta head to practice, see ya guys around.,” Kuroo said, getting up to leave. Bokuto still, remained silent. Keiji couldn’t read him, his expression was completely blank.

“Bye,” the four of them replied.

_This is gonna be a long year,_ Keiji sighed.


	2. Broken Masks & Shattered Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys are in for a ride. (´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)
> 
> Hope you guys are prepared! :)

_Wet cold tears dripping down her cheeks. She stared at me like somebody that she once knew, that has now been forgotten. As if she’s saying “I don’t know who you are anymore”. How did that happen though.. How is it that when you tell somebody a big part of who you really are that’s been hidden away all your life, turns you into someone entirely different. It’s quite bizarre if you think about it._

_All I wanted was to be me, but here we are, still living my whole life wearing this foolish mask. Living in a lie. The damaged part of myself remained concealed, as always. Why is it that the part of me I know best, is the most shattered of all? The part of me I fond but that is hated by others, simply for existing.._

_I never meant to disappoint my own mother. She was all I had left, but all that’s left now is this broken mask staring back at me. It was taunting me, but I knew that I couldn’t put up a facade for the rest of my life._

_Or maybe I was wrong, because it was the only thing I could do to keep her by my side._

_Now I wonder mom, was it you who had changed, or was it me?_

_I wish I could hate you for leaving me left in the dark, but it hurts more. I can’t blame you for leaving, there’s no one else to blame but myself. I wish I could forget you, how many more sleepless nights do I have to spend missing my own mother’s affection?_

_I wish you had stayed just a little longer, I wish you had just tried to understand better, I wish you didn’t give up on me like everyone else did. But instead, you took the easy way out, you let go._

_It’s been two years now since you’ve cut all ties with me._

_You changed your cell number and you moved to god knows where._

_I never thought that I’d have to learn how to live on my own at the age of sixteen, with no one to seek help from._

_And after all you put me through, I still forgive you._

  
  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  


Some nights are harder than others for Keiji. Some nights the feeling of regret keeps him up, or others it’s from his own pity. 

He wishes he could change, he really does. He’s tried to do so, many times already.

Keiji has only embraced another man only once and even so, the times he’s tried to be with a woman never felt right.

He was suffering from his own likings, always punching his pillow yelling, “ _Why_ do you like lip gloss so much, _why_ do you paint your nails, _why_ do you want to kiss another man, _why_ do you wear knee socks that were made for _girls_ , _Why_ did you join the cheer squad when you knew people would get suspicious, _why_ do you like _girly_ things, _why why why_!” he’d scream and cry into his soaked pillow until he couldn’t anymore.

Keiji doesn’t blame his mother for not accepting him, because even he doesn’t accept himself.

He’s so tired. Tired of coming home remembering he has no one, tired of being alone.

Keiji is tired of _living_.

Even though Keiji believes that he doesn’t deserve to be alive, he’s not ready to give up just yet.

At least not _tonight._

  
  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  


School had ended and it was time for after school sports and clubs. 

It’s now Wednesday, Keiji had soccer practice yesterday and cheer again today. He does cheer Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and soccer on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 

The bell rang and they all went separate ways from Hajime, Hajime heading to baseball practice, Keiji and Koshi heading to cheer with Toru tagging along since he had Wednesdays off from volleyball.

Koshi ended up joining the cheer team afterall. He decided to give it a chance, knowing Keiji would be there to help him.

“I’m so nervous.. I don’t know much about cheerleading.. What if I don’t do well?” Koshi spoke with fear in his voice.

“I felt the same way you did when I first started. You’re gonna be alright. If you ever need a hand, just come to me, I got you,” Keiji replied sincerely, he meant what he said.

“You know, I used to do cheerleading.” Toru suddenly spoke, causing Keiji and Koshi to look in his direction.

“Really?” Keiji asked, shocked a little, “Why did you quit?”

“Because they wouldn’t let me be the flyer,” Toru replied. Koshi laughed, knowing that’s not the actual reason. Keiji just looked at him with a “Are you serious?” look but decided not to say anything.

Toru laughed hysterically at Keiji’s reaction, “Akaashi, that’s not actually the real reason I quit cheer. I quit it because it wasn’t really my thing. Volleyball owns my heart and always will,” Toru replied in all honesty.

Keiji admired Toru for that. He respects people who take their sports seriously.

“Hey, I forgot to ask you. What made you want to do cheer?” That question got Keiji’s full attention. 

Keiji hasn’t ever been asked that before. It’s not that he doesn’t know the reason, but he’s never had to answer that question.

“I joined because-” all of a sudden Keiji got knocked to the ground and blacked out for a few seconds.

“Oh my god! Are you okay?! I am so sorry Akaashi, I didn’t mean to bump into you. I’m just really late to practice,” a concerned voice asked him. Keiji opened his eyes to see Kotaro staring at him with worried eyes while Koshi and Toru were getting ready to throw hands.

Kotaro reached his hand down to help Keiji up, Keiji took it and was swiftly pulled back on his feet. _Bokutos-san sure is strong_.

“Um hey, you nearly killed our friend,” Toru stated, Kotaro looked back at him with eyes full of guilt. “I really am sorry, I don’t have time right now to plead for your forgiveness or I’ll be really late to practice.”

Kotaro then looked back at Keiji with a smile on his face, “I’ll see you around Akaashi~”

Keiji doesn’t know why, but the way Kotaro said his name made his stomach churn. He wasn’t sure if it was in a good way or bad.

He shook the thought off and turned to his friends, “Let’s head to practice now shall we?” they all nodded their heads in agreement and began walking towards the cheer gym.

Keiji introduced Koshi to the coach and the rest of the team. As expected, everyone loved him for his chaotic energy and kind personality. Koshi was happy to say that he was enjoying himself a lot. He even made friends with two girls named Kiyoko and Yachi. 

When it was time for a water break, Koshi and Keiji noticed that Toru was no longer there.

“Where do you think he went off to?”

“It’s possible he just went home,” Keiji replied then guzzled more of his water. “That’s true, but do you really think he’d leave without saying goodbye?”

Coincidently, the door to the gym opened. It was a panting Toru looking like he just ran a marathon. “Toru where were you and why are you so out of breath?” Koshi asked his best friend, he needed answers.

“I wanted to see what Iwa-chan’s practices were like, but then he spotted me so I ran away. He looked really mad.” Keiji and Koshi both looked at each other confused, “Iwa-chan?” they both asked in sync.

“Yes Iwa-chan. I call him that to piss him off,” he replied, smirking. Koshi then frowned.

“Since when did you start getting all buddy buddy with Iwaizumi? I’m kinda jealous now.” Koshi said jokingly. This made Toru laugh, “Oh please Koshi, we’ve been best friends for years. No need to be jealous over me annoying some guy.”

“You still didn’t answer my question, Toru.”

“We have almost all our classes together besides homeroom, and somehow we’ve always ended up sitting next to each other. I get bored in class so I tease him a lot,” Toru replied in all honesty.

“Wait, you guys are on a first name basis with each other?” Keiji suddenly asked. Koshi and Toru both looked at Keiji, then each other and laughed. “Of course, we have been for years. We both grew up together,” Toru replied.

“Oh really? Iwaizumi-san and I have known each other since we were juniors, but we don’t call each other by our first names. That is probably because we just recently started getting close though.”

They both had surprised looks on their faces, not knowing this. They thought that Keiji and Hajime only knew each other from their classes.

  
  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  


Football has never been easy, but today it felt harder than usual.

Kotaro is the captain of the football team, also the quarterback. He’s known by almost everyone in school for his charms, his muscular body, and for his godly football skills. Almost every girl in school drools over him. If Kotaro had a dollar for every confession he has gotten, he’d probably have one hundred dollars, maybe even more. 

  
  


Kotaro knows he’s charming and great at football, but he doesn’t take advantage of it. He isn’t cocky, rude, or someone who messes around with girls. He’s very genuine and sweet, and he is confident, but not overly. He’s also had some girlfriends in the past, but he’s never taken advantage of their feelings.   
  


“Hey Bokuto, good practice today,” Tetsuro stated. Sweat dripping down his face, he reached for his towel on the bench to wipe his face. 

“Thanks man, you too,” Kotaro replied, breathing heavily, still trying to catch his breath.

“Hey what about me? Do I just not exist anymore?” a voice asked from behind. Tetsuro and Kotaro looked back to see an exhausted Leo.

“Oh please Leo, you know we would praise you too. It’s not like we knew you’d be behind us waiting to be,” Tetsuro asserted. Kotaro laughed, “You guys are funny. Good job to the both of you today.” 

This earned Kotaro two big smiles, and four other teammates butting in, “What about me captain, how did I do?” a voice asked and then another, “Yeah what about me Bokuto-san, did I do good?” then two more asking the same question, waiting to be congratulated.

Again, Kotaro laughed, “Yes of course Atsumu and Osamu, you guys never fail to amaze me with your great efforts. Keep it up. Hanamaki, Matsukawa, you both did great as well! You all did, I don’t doubt we’ll win this Friday!” he exclaimed in excitement with a huge grin. Everyone else began smiling as well, it’s impossible not to, their captain’s smile was contagious.

“That’s enough everyone, no need to overwhelm Bokuto for praise,” someone suddenly spoke.

“Ah I appreciate your concern Daichi, but it’s no problem at all!” Kotaro reassured him with a smile. “Just looking out for you Kotaro, you deserve a break too you know,” he replied with a soft grin.

“He’s right Bokuto, you push yourself too hard sometimes. Don’t forget that we’re your teammates and we’re here to help out,” another voice added.

“I know, thank you Ushiwaka. But as your captain it’s my job to remind you all how good you are and that you are important to this team.”

Kotaro was a great captain, his teammates wouldn’t trade him for anyone else as a captain. They all saw him as this perfect guy that could do anything he set his mind to, that he could do the impossible.

But like every other human being, Kotaro had weaknesses too.

  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  


Everyday after practice Kotaro always made a stop somewhere. It didn’t matter how busy he was or how late, he would make sure he’d go there.

After practice, he showered and changed into a plain black t-shirt and some black joggers, then headed out.

He would stop at the store to buy some flowers and a little balloon attached to a small string that always had the same three words, “ _I miss you”_ on it.

That’s all that he’d buy for his everyday trip to the cemetery.

“Hi mom, did you miss me?” he asked the tombstone that stood before him, setting down the store-bought flowers and balloon tied to them on the grave. 

“Well, I know that I miss you more than anything,” he spoke softly as he was greeted with only overbearing silence.

“I have a game this friday. I will make you proud mom, I’ll win all of my games to make you proud of me,” he spoke sincerely with a pained smile. “Dad has been drinking more as the days pass by,” his voice broke, trying to hold in a sob, “I miss you everyday mom. I wish you were still here.”

Kotaro broke into tears, unable to control them. He kept wiping them with his sleeve as more continued to fall down his cheeks.

“I- I have to go now mom or dad will get angry. I’ll come back tomorrow, I promise,” voice cracking, as he got up to leave.

“I love you mom, see you again soon.”

Coping comes in many forms. 

There’s people like Kotaro who cope in healthy ways, by trying to move forward and do things that bring you joy and also letting yourself have bad days to let it all out when needed.

Or there’s others that cope in unhealthy ways by avoiding it, letting it build up inside, or coping with alcohol or even drugs.

Kotaro’s father was one of the many people who coped in unhealthy ways.

  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  


“You’re finally home you brat’sh~” Kotaro’s father slurred as he went to take another sip of his beer.

“Yeah, I’m home,” Kotaro responded as he started for the stairs, the house reeked of alcohol.

“Where ya think yer goin’sh~” his father asked while grabbing his wrist with a tight grip. “My room,” Kotaro responded.

“Ya just got here, do ya not gots time for ya old man anymores~?” his father started to raise his voice, “I’m tired dad, I had a long day. Please let me go,” Kotaro replied, trying to get his father to release his grip.

His father laughed, “Can’t handle a lil pain, huh? Wished ya turned out more like me.”

“I’ll never be like you, I never _want_ to be like you.”

“Yeah, yer never gunna be like me, cause yer weak. Just like yer momma,” his father slurred. 

Kotaro was pissed at his father’s words, he ripped his father’s grip off his wrist and pushed him back causing his drunk self to fall over.

Suddenly, his father got up walking over to Kotaro and there was a loud slap thrown against Kotaro’s cheek, he hissed, feeling his cheek sting with pain.

“Ya better shut yer mouth boy. Next time it won’t just be a slap if ya keep talkin like that to me,” he spoke aggressively then grabbed his beer and walked off to his own room and slammed the door.

Tonight, Kotaro laid on his bed staring at his ceiling, thoughts invading his head.

He thought about his team, school, his life, and his mother.

He _knows_ the real reason why his mom committed suicide. It was blatantly obvious.

He _knows_ that it was his father who pushed her over the edge, the one who made her feel worthless.

And there was nothing in the world that he could do to go back to that day, or to prevent it from happening. 

He wishes that it was his father instead of her.

Because he was the _reason_ she started to hate her own existence.

_Everyone in life has it hard, but some people have it harder than others, or some people don’t. But no one is free._

  
  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  
  


_“I’m sorry Yakeru. I never meant for this to happen. It’s out of my control, I’ve tried so hard to change but I can’t. Why.. why couldn’t it have been you? Why can’t you be the one that I’m in love with?”_

_A slap to the face.. Tears spilled out as anger took over, “What the hell is wrong with you Sakura? You’re meaning to tell me after growing up with each other, being best friends for years, dating for ten, and having a fucking kid together, that you don’t love me?”_

_“I do love you Yakeru, but just not in that way.. I truly thought that I did, that I could.. But I just can’t. I’m sorry-”_

_Another slap._

_“Why, why can’t you?!”_

_More yelling filled the air, but silence started to overcome it._

_“I.. because-” Sakura’s voice broke, unable to respond._

_“Fucking say it,” Yakeru shouted again._

_“It’s because you aren’t her..”_

_Her?_

_“Her? What do you mean, her?”_

_Silence filled the room, until it no longer did._

_One more slap._

_“You’re sick. That is absolutely revolting Sakura.. You’re telling me the reason you simply cannot love me is because you are in love with a woman? Ha, I never took you for a f*g but I guess here we are huh?”_

_Sakura cried, “I’m sorry Yakeru.. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t choose to be like this,” she reached out for his hand that ended up being rejected._

_“Don’t fucking touch me you f*ggot. You’re nothing but a sick liar.”_

_“Momma, dad, what’s going on?” a soft voice asked while rubbing his eyes, tighty holding his owl plush to his chest._

_Their eyes both dropped to the small child in front of them._

_“Nothing baby, go back to sleep,” Sakura spoke softly, faking a smile._

_“Mommy why are you crying?”_

_Sakura quickly looked away, trying to avoid eye contact, “Kotaro, honey, I’m not crying. Me and your daddy are just talking-”_

_“Your mother is a sick liar son. Don’t listen to her,” Yakeru cut her off._

_This left Kotaro’s little mind confused._

_“But dad, why was momma apologizing and what’s a f*ggot?” the little boy asked._

_And suddenly, the mask Sakura has been wearing for her whole life, dropped and shattered._

_She began to cry even more._

_“Go to bed right now, I will not ask you again, Kotaro.”_

_And with that, he waddled back to his room, still hugging his owl plushie close to him._

_“I’ll.. I’ll pack my bags tomorrow,” Sakura spoke._

_“And where would you go Sakura? You’re gonna just leave your kid here with me?”_

_“I.. I don’t know where I’d go, but I should leave. He’s your kid too you know, and I’d have him come visit me whenever he wants to see me,” she replied, not really thinking deeply about how difficult it really would be._

_“Just stay for now. We’ll figure something out, for now I’ll sleep in the guest room,” he replied, hurt hidden in his voice._

_“I’m sorry Yakeru..”_

_“Will ya quit fucking apologizing? I’m done talking about this tonight,” Yakeru said while walking to the guest room, leaving Sakura by herself._

_Over the next month there were many changes._

_Yakeru changed specifically._

_He started to become more aggressive and angry all the time. There were times where he’d get ready to slap Sakura, causing her to flinch, but he wouldn’t hit her._

_Until he did._

_Yakeru started drinking, he used to only on occasions, but then it started to become daily._

_He never spoke to Sakura nicely, neither to Kotaro. He didn’t bother putting up a facade, unlike Sakura._

_Then one day they both were fighting over Kotaro joining the football team, “I don’t want him to join yet, Yakeru, what if he gets hurt? He’s only in kindergarten.”_

_“Stop being over dramatic, he’ll be fine. He’s joining the team whether you fucking like it or not.”_

_“That’s up to him Yakeru. You can’t control his life,” Sakura started to get angry._

_“He came home wanting to get his nails painting because some girl had hers done, and you’re not fucking worried?” he yelled._

_“No, I’m not worried. Why would I be worried about our son wanting to put fucking paint on his nails Yakeru?” Sakura fired back._

_“Because I don’t want him to turn out like you!” he shouted, slapping Sakura._

_He hasn’t slapped her since that night._

_She grabbed her cheek, wincing at the pain, “What do you mean, turn out like me?”_

_Truth is, she knew what he meant, but she wanted to hear him say it himself._

_“You fucking know what I mean Sakura. I don’t need him turning into a f*ggot.”_

_Suddenly, somehow, Sakura had the courage to slap him back._

_“YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHAT HE TURNS OUT LIKE!” She cried._

_This took Yakeru aback, he was shocked._

_“Kotaro is his own person, if he wants to paint his nails then he can. It doesn’t mean he’s gonna like men too. It’s just fucking paint Yakeru! And even if he were to like men, so what?! What’s wrong with that?! Kotaro can love what and who he wants and you can’t change that. You can’t change him,” Sakura shouted until she could no more._

_Yakeru was furious at her words, he got up and yanked her by the collar of her shirt. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare ever talk to me like that again, you hear me? I don’t condone f*ggots in my fucking home,” he yelled, throwing her into the glass table by her collar._

_Yakeru ‘s throw was full of so much force that she shattered the glass._

_She cried in pain, but refused to give in to his words, “Then why am I still here?! Why haven’t you kicked me out?”_

_“Because I still fucking love you Sakura.”_

_“Ha, love.. You call this love Yakeru? Hitting, slapping, and abusing your wife is love? Give me a fucking break, that’s the worst lie you could come up with!”_

_But he wasn’t lying._

_Such a toxic love, an abusive kind._

_Despite it all, he believed he loved her. In his own way._

_But if he truly did, he would have never hurt her in the first place, even if he had been hurt himself._

_“Why else would I let you stay Sakura? There’s clearing no other explanation!”_

_Oh, but there is._

_“Kotaro! You’re doing this for him, or maybe you aren’t I don’t know. But that’s the only other explanation, unless you’re doing it just so you can enjoy watching me suffer.”_

_“Enjoy watching you suffer?! I’m the one whos fucking suffering here Sakura! This was all your fault, you were the one who decided to ruin what we had. Don’t you dare turn this shit on me!” Yakeru shouted again._

_“Stop playing victim like you’re the one who is in pain! You clearly enjoy making me hurt, or else you would have let this all go a long time ago! This isn’t my fault!”_

_Suddenly footsteps were heard coming from the living room._

_“Momma, dad, I’m home from school!” Kotaro shouted as he walked into the kitchen to see his mom underneath shattered glass on the floor with stained tears, and a flushed faced father._

_“Momma, why are you on the floor silly? Did you fall over and break the table?” Kotaro asked innocently. He dropped his bag walking over to hug his father, then his mom._

_“Oh and look momma! I asked the nice girl in my class to paint my nails and she did! She painted them yellow!” he exclaimed with excitement, showing off his nails, his mother smiled painfully. “They look gorgeous honey. The color compliments you well!” She replied ruffling her son’s hair._

_Yakeru scoffed, “Kotaro, take that off your nails now.”_

_Kotaro’s big smile dropped from his face, replacing it with a confused look instead, “But dad why? I just got them done! Do you not like the color?” he asked with a small pout._

_“Boys aren’t supposed to paint their nails,” he replied with a stern look._

_“Why not daddy? Will I get arrested for it?!” Kotaro asked, suddenly worried._

_“No Kotaro, because it’s just wrong. It’s not something boys do.”_

_Kotaro didn’t understand what his father was saying, he didn’t know what was so wrong with the pretty yellow paint on his nails._

_“Don’t listen to your father Kotaro, you can paint your nails as much as you want,” his mother whispered so only he could hear._

_He decided not to ask about it anymore._

_“Momma let me help you up!” Kotaro shouted as he reached a hand down to his mom._

  
  
  
  
  
  


✵✵✵

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Three months after that incident consisted of only endless fights._

_Yakeru became an alcoholic, and being angry was his default mode._

_Whenever Yakeru and Sakura fought, it always ended up with him hitting or hurting her in some type of way._

_Her beautiful smooth skin turned into a warzone, full of bruises and wounds._

_Kotaro always asked, “Momma, why is your skin turning purple? Are you sick?”_

_She never told him the truth._

_Sakura and Yakeru mostly fought when Kotaro was at school or football practice, it was Sakura’s biggest worry that he’d have to witness them._

_All she wanted was to protect him even though she couldn’t even protect herself._

_She made it her number one priority._

_Well, that is until she couldn’t handle the suffering anymore._

_And suddenly, everything turned into nothing._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, hope you enjoyed learning more about our two main character’s backstories. There will be more explained later on but for now I need to mentally prepare myself to write that.. but next chapter will hopefully make up for it?? We’ll see! 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading my stories, and take care<3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Basically, I can’t stick to one story and have to write 3 stories at a time for some reason lol. So I’ll be updating this story every 1-2 weeks and same with my Spaced Out story. Did I name this story after one of Arctic Monkeys songs? Yes, yes I did. Anyways thank you for reading! And next chapter will be wayyy longer.


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